From GQ: Ari Graynor, star of the hit film For a Good Time, Call, gives her tips for “idiot-proof” phone sex:

GQ: Before we get started, do you have any general tips?
Ari Graynor: Well, the rules of phone sex are much like the rules of life: Be open-minded, nonjudgmental, creative, a good listener.

GQ: Those also translate well to actual sex.
Ari Graynor: To all person-to-person interactions. Moral is: There’s a lot to be learned from phone sex!

GQ: So I’ll start with something like: Hello, this is Winifred, and you’ve reached 1-800-PHONE-SEX! Where we do things like…have phone sex.
Ari Graynor: Um…okay. It’s all about the tone of the voice. Pretend you’re excited. Everything the other person says just makes you tickle with utmost delight!

GQ: Got it. Let me tell you what I’m wearing—I’m in one of those loooong, looose maxi dresses from the Gap.
Ari Graynor: Maybe you could say it’s from Gap Body? That sounds more intimate.

GQ: And how does one get to the action? Would So what are you doing…? suffice?
Ari Graynor: If you’re really running a phone-sex line—for money or for comedy—you would want people to be on the phone for a long time. Start off with small talk. Get to know each other. It could be Oh, you live in Detroit? I hear it’s diiirty there. Have fun with adjectives. They should relate to feelings, colors, or textures. Like, if I asked you: What are you doing right now? You could say: I’m writing… C’mon!

GQ: …I’m doing an interview. It’s sooo hard.
Ari Graynor: Yes! I’m turned on already.

GQ: I’m stretching right now. I don’t know if you can hear me.
Ari Graynor: No, I can. You’re getting very limber, and I like it. Are you flexible?

GQ: If I’m standing straight, I can bend my hands down to, like, my knees?
Ari Graynor: Um, maybe: Oh yeeeeah. I can go all the way down.

GQ: Question: How crucial is variety?
Ari Graynor: Well, it would really be up to your phantom caller. Let them run the show. Some of our callers gave location-specific requests. In your office. Or the supermarket, talking about all of the fruits. Try to keep it in one world.

GQ: I don’t think I can mention private parts, because my co-workers can hear me.
Ari Graynor: Okay. I still feel like you learned a lot.

GQ: Is there any etiquette after everyone is, you know, finished?
Ari Graynor: Well, I think it’s only polite to say thank you. You’ve been through something together. People have given their bodies and souls—and potentially some body fluids.

GQ: Got it. Thank you, Ari.
Ari Graynor: Thank you.